In another life I would make you stay
by TheComet63
Summary: "Under different circumstances, she could see herself with that woman. She could see herself loving Lauren. Lauren was the perfect woman for her, and Arizona had to let her go." - Arizona/Lauren


Just a quick something that came to my mind. I fell in love with this pairing the first moment I saw it, and though I still ship Calzona, I can't help but ship Laurzona as well. So here's the morning after the on-call room sex. It's not a happy fic, I warn you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

English is not my first language, so forgive my mistakes.

-o-

Arizona woke up and it took her a few moments to realize where she was. When she felt someone moving beside her, she looked down and saw the beautiful blond woman sleeping with her head on her chest, her arms tight around Arizona's body. Lauren was so beautiful, sleeping peacefully, with a few blond locks falling on her face, her mouth slightly open, her breath calm and steady. Arizona was mesmerized by her.  
Her mind replayed the incredible time she had with Lauren, the way the other woman had worshipped her…for the first time since the surgery that took her leg away, Arizona had felt pretty again, had felt desirable again…she had felt like she was whole again.

Sex, with Callie, had changed since the plane crash. Callie used to be so passionate, so rough sometimes, she used to make Arizona feel like she was a prey and Callie was the predator who wanted to devour her. Now, Callie treated her like she was made of glass. Arizona knew it wasn't a conscious behavior from the brunette's part, but that didn't change the fact that, every time they made love, Callie touched Arizona like she was a china doll. It was still good sex, but it wasn't what it used to be, and Arizona couldn't help but feel like she will never be perceived as anything other than a disabled, who needed to be handled with care. She didn't want that. She wanted rough, she wanted passion, she wanted Callie to look at her like she used to, she didn't want to be the woman with one leg…she wanted to be just Arizona again.

And, to Lauren, she was.

Lauren only saw her as Arizona, Lauren wanted her as Arizona.

During those moments with Lauren, Arizona had forgotten about her missing leg. For the first time since the accident, Arizona had felt like she was still who she used to be.

And it had felt so good, to lose control. To be the one deciding to give up that control, for once.

In the last few years, Arizona had felt like she hadn't been in control of her life and, more importantly, her body. She had spent the last few years constantly compromising, constantly giving up pieces of herself.

Sometimes, Arizona felt like her life was spiraling out of control one day after another, and that she couldn't do anything to stop it. She felt like her life didn't belong to her anymore, that every single thing that happened to her was a decision made by someone else.

That night, something had changed. Arizona finally felt like she wasn't falling anymore, like she was taking her life back. And yes, cheating on Callie was wrong, but Arizona couldn't bring herself to feel guilty about it, because what had happened with Lauren had not been about Callie.

Callie was an amazing woman and Arizona loved her more than anyone in the world, but there were some things that the brunette surgeon just couldn't understand. Callie has always been someone to go with the flow, so she couldn't possibly understand Arizona's need to be in control. She couldn't understand Arizona's pain and panic to realize that her life had turned out completely out of control, and the fact that it had been Callie the one who made the decision to cut Arizona's leg…Arizona was trying so hard not to blame her wife for that, because she knew in the end it had been the right decision…but there was a part of her that couldn't help but get angry at Callie for that, for breaking the promise not to let them cut her leg, even if she knew Callie did it to save her life.

So no, Callie could never understand that part of Arizona that was desperate to regain control of her life, of her body…but Lauren did. Lauren, who basically was a perfect stranger to Arizona, could understand. And maybe that was the reason why Arizona couldn't feel to guilty about what she'd done.

Lauren began to stir beside Arizona, and the Peds Surgeon snapped out of her thoughts and turned her attention to the woman in her arms. "Hey."

"Hey." Lauren smiled, that smile of hers that intrigued and captivated Arizona. "You were watching me sleep."

Arizona smiled back, and nodded.

"Who's creepy now?" joked Lauren, and lift her head to kiss Arizona softly on the lips.

Arizona kissed her back, then looked Lauren into her green eyes. "We need to talk."

"Yeah, I guess we do." sighed Lauren, untangling herself from Arizona's arms and adjusting herself into a sitting position. She knew what was coming next, and she wasn't sure she was strong enough to have that conversation while still wrapped into Arizona's warmth.

"I…" Arizona tried to say something, but she wasn't sure she knew what she wanted to say.

"Before you say anything…" Lauren interrupted her. "Please hear me out. I know you're married, I know you have a life, a family, responsibilities…and I know I should apologize for pushing you to cheat on your wife, but I can't. I am not sorry for what we did. I knew you were married, but I couldn't stop myself from wanting you…if I hadn't kissed you, I would have spent my whole life wondering what if. I feel something when I'm with you, Arizona, something I've never felt before, with anyone. This kind of feeling, this kind of connection, doesn't come around often in someone's life…I couldn't let you go without knowing what it could have been."

Arizona let Lauren's words sink in, while she was trying to sort out her own thoughts and find the words she wanted to speak.

It wasn't easy. Lauren was right, they had something, they did share a connection and it was something rare to come by. But Arizona had a life, she had a wife and a daughter who she loved to pieces and though she knew she and Lauren could have been good together, she couldn't just turn her back on her family. She had needed that night with Lauren to gain back control of her life, but she knew it couldn't be more than that, one night. And it was sad, because under different circumstances, she could see herself with that woman. She could see herself loving Lauren.

Lauren was the perfect woman for her, and Arizona had to let her go.

"My whole life, I've been looking for someone like you. I have been hoping for someone like you. I don't even know you, and yet I know you understand me like no one else has ever done. You made me feel alive for the first time in a very long time, you made me feel like myself again. You're exactly the kind of woman I've spent my whole life praying for, and now that you're here, there's a part of me that's aching at the thought of letting you go. In another life, I would have probably offered you a job, beg you to move here and be with me, because I know, I just know that we could be good together. In another life, I would have loved you till the end of my days. But I can't, Lauren. I love Callie, and I love my daughter. I can't give them up."

Lauren closed her eyes and took a deep breath, a sad but understandingly smile formed on her lips. "I know. I could never ask you to."

Arizona felt her eyes filling with tears, because once again Lauren understood, Lauren could get her. It broke her heart, knowing that she probably would never see that woman again. "I'm sorry" she whispered.

"I am not." replied Lauren, smiling sweetly at the other woman. "This is the way it's supposed to be. And I will cherish what we had for as long as I live."

Arizona got up and started to get dressed, because she knew she couldn't be in that room with Lauren and not wanting to hold on to her with everything she had.

"I'll see you later to check on Tyler." she said, unlocking the door.

"Arizona." Lauren's voice that called her name stopped just like it had stopped her a few hours before. "We would have been glorious together…wouldn't we?"

Arizona couldn't take it anymore. She turned around and once again, launched herself on Lauren, kissing her desperately for the very last time.

"Don't forget me." murmured Lauren when their lips parted, her voice broken as if she was about to cry.

"How could I?"

Lauren took a step back, then, to show Arizona that she was ready to let her go.

Arizona finally stepped out the on-call room, one last glance at Lauren before closing the door behind her and go look for her wife.


End file.
